The Cycle of Refusal and Explanation

When someone refuses our request, our immediate reaction is usually to explain why they should accept our proposal. If the other party doesn’t choose to concede, we often continue to explain or present more arguments. We try to force acceptance through our own explanation, and the other party is doing the exact same thing. This is like a conversation between two deaf people: “No, because…”, “Yes, because…”, “No, because…”, “Yes, because…”, endlessly.

The Simple Word That Changes the Dynamic

In fact, a single simple word can turn this dynamic around—“Why.” Although this word is simple, its power is boundless.

When others reject one of your proposals, you first need to show interest in the reasons behind it, and your attitude must be as sincere as possible. You can ask, “Why do you disagree?” and then listen attentively to their answer. Their answer is like a gold mine, containing many pieces of information worth considering and leveraging. That is the secret.

Step One

Calming Your Own Emotions. When we feel an urge to attack the other person internally, we need to try our best to suppress it. For example, we can achieve this through several methods mentioned in the story:

• Correcting misjudgments of the facts;
• Distracting yourself through deep breathing;
• Or simply restraining the fist you want to throw;
• Or any other method that might be effective.

During communication with others, every time you feel this urge reignite internally, you must review this step in your mind. Completing this step only takes a few seconds, making it perhaps the most difficult and most important step. If you don’t have the urge to attack the other person, that is naturally better. You can then proceed directly to the next step.

Step Two

Calming Others’ Emotions. If the person talking to you can remain calm, that’s easy; you can skip this step directly. But what if the other party is not calm? The answer is “do nothing,” or rather, “do almost nothing.” Especially do not tell the other person, “Calm down!” or “Getting angry is useless!” At this time, you should follow the principle of “not contradicting, not judging.” Specifically, how do you achieve this? You can reply to the other person using words like “agree,” “okay,” “yes,” or “that’s right.” These words can convey the following message to the other person: “What you are saying, and the way you choose to say it, naturally makes sense to you. I am willing to discuss this second step: Calming Others’ Emotions. If the person talking to you can remain calm, that’s easy; you can skip this step directly. But what if the other party is not calm? The answer is ‘do nothing,’ or rather, ‘do almost nothing.’ Especially do not tell the other person, ‘Calm down!’ or ‘Getting angry is useless!’ At this time, you should follow the principle of ’not contradicting, not judging.’ Specifically, how do you achieve this? You can reply to the other person using words like ‘agree,’ ‘okay,’ ‘yes,’ or ’that’s right.’ These words can convey the following message to the other person: ‘What you are saying, and the way you choose to say it, naturally makes sense to you. I am willing to discuss this issue with you.’”

By doing this, you will achieve astonishing results: the other person’s emotions will initially fluctuate, but then gradually stabilize until they finally calm down. Achieving this step only requires the moment you say, “I agree.” If you successfully control your own emotions and successfully calm the other person’s emotions, you can proceed to the next step.

Step Three

Try to Understand Others Rather Than Having Others Understand You. How do you achieve this step? The simplest method is “asking the other person questions.” The most effective question is: “Why do you disagree with my point of view?” After that, you must listen to their answer and try to view the issue from their perspective, even putting yourself in their shoes and considering their interests.

Strive to understand and accept others’ views, rather than forcing your own views onto them. You must learn to find “consensus” between both parties in the words they use when explaining, and willingly accept the other person’s viewpoint. This is a prerequisite for both parties reaching “consensus.”

At this point, you need to have more “self-interest” regarding others: make yourself consider the other person’s interests more! Once you understand the other person’s thoughts, the solution will appear on its own, and the disagreement will be resolved easily. However, generally speaking, achieving this is not enough; you need to continue to complete the next step…

Step Four

Restating Others’ Words to Let Them Know “You Have Understood Their Point of View.” If you want others to listen to your point of view, you first need to let the other person speak. Then, you explain the other person’s view in your own words. Afterward, you ask the other person, “Did I say it correctly?”

This way, you will achieve unexpected magical results—the other person will raise their eyebrows, show a satisfied smile, and exclaim, “Yes, that’s right!” After that, they will close their mouth and listen to you speak.

Restating has two benefits: First, you can check whether you truly understood the other person’s point of view; second, it lets your conversational partner know that they have been understood, which in turn dispels the urge to continue arguing. However, there is a prerequisite for achieving this step—don’t let your previous efforts go down the drain because you used the wrong word. This word is the keyword for the next step. The use of this word is also an art.

Step Five

Presenting Your Own Viewpoint Using Parallel Words Rather Than Making the Two Opposing Views Confrontational. How do you achieve this step? You can use the following words, such as: “As for me,” “For me,” “Meanwhile,” “From my perspective,” etc., instead of the extremely rigid “That’s right, but…”

Then, after both parties have clarified the other’s viewpoint, ask yourself, “How can the other person’s needs be met while simultaneously achieving my own goals?” By doing this, you can utilize the intelligence of both parties to seek a solution. Next, we begin entering Step Six.

Step Six

Proposing Solutions: Adopt a Possible Win-Win Solution. If we cannot find a feasible solution ourselves, try asking others if they have any good ideas. Then, we can discuss it together.

If no win-win method can be found, we can use a compromise approach to solve the problem. People often accept a compromise because it at least establishes a friendly and cooperative relationship.

So, what if even a compromise solution doesn’t exist? This situation is very rare, but not impossible. At this time, you can negotiate with the other party and spend time together exploring possible ways out. Even if a solution is not ultimately found, at least a good relationship is maintained. This positive relationship is crucial for achieving future collaboration.